Motherhood.

EIGHT MONTHS.

Eden is 8 months now. I repeat, 8 months. I can’t believe how fast time has gone by and as routine as each day gets, I find myself trying to grasp onto the moments of her being this small, vulnerable and dependent on me.

Over the last 8 months, I can honestly say I’ve found motherhood, specifically being a stay-at-home mom, to be more fulfilling than I expected it to be. I always thought that I would be one of those moms who would continue working but now, I can’t even fathom having someone else take care of my child and not being able to witness her developmental growths that literally happens every five minutes.

On the flip side of it though, motherhood has been tough:

1. Transitioning to be a parent adds strain to the marriage. I’ve felt frustrated on days because I feel like Eden’s small and vulnerable so her needs are more important but I still have to care and love on my husband too. Thankfully, because Phil and I are such feisty people, a few fiery conversations have helped us get on the same page and we’re back to being a team rather than at each other’s throat about how to raise a child.
2. Everyone has so many opinions! From breastfeeding to co-sleeping to screen time, there’s opinions about everything and it’s honestly overwhelming as a first time mom. Society has a standard of how you should be raising your child and when everyone literally asks you the same questions – Is she sleeping through the night yet? How many ounces does she feed? Why is she so tiny? – A new mom can’t help but feel like she’s doing something wrong. And you brave each question with a calm and composed answer but inside you’re screaming, “ugh what have I done?”. And each night as I lay in bed, praying my daily prayers, the last thing I ask God is: “Please Lord, show me how to be a mom by your standards, not by other’s.” Sometimes it helps. Other times, I break down in tears because I can’t seem to drown out all the other voices.
3. Hormones are a weird and crazy thing. I used to be the person who LOVES being at a big group gathering or in the center of all the busyness. But now, it honestly overwhelms me and gives me an anxiety attack every time I prepare for going to church or to big birthday dinners or weddings. I’ve been told that a woman’s hormones change during pregnancy and while breastfeeding. I always assumed that would just mean, specifically for me, more mood swings, more anger but never anxiety. But I guess that anxiety is just God’s built-in way for a woman to ensure her child is safe – as long as she’s near and I have eyes on her I’ll be able to keep the anxiety at bay. But if there’s anyone who is obsessively trying to take my child away, I hold onto my child a little bit tighter because …. maybe they’re trying to steal my baby! Even as I type it, I roll my eyes because of how irrational the thought is. As irrational it is though, the feelings are so intense and so very real.
4. I have never imagined loving something or someone so much as I do my baby girl. But with this love comes an immense amount of fear. I’ve lost 5 family members to cancer and when my aunt found out she had breast cancer, she also found out that there’s a genetic link to her breast cancer. My aunt passed away leaving 4 kids, the youngest being 5 at the time. My uncle also passed away leaving 3 kids, 6, 4 and 2 years old when he passed. And occasionally, there’ll be moments when Eden looks at me – it could be a moment when she smiles and my heart melts or when she cries because she’s overstimulated or tired and just wants mommy – but in that moment I get an image flash right in front of my eyes and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with fear that God will take me before I get to see her fully grow up. And I cry, and I pray and I just keep asking God that my faith will be bigger than my fear, and that I’ll God will engrave it on my heart that He is good, He is faithful and He will take care of her because she belongs to Him and she is His child first and foremost. It’s so overwhelming, but I hold onto Him because I know He is God.
5. How I envisioned myself as a mom and how I actually am is very different. I was told that I’m a little overly attached to my child. And the words sting a little because it’s true, and I’m frustrated with myself that I am. And I know to a lot of people I just seem like that overbearing and overprotective mom, khó chịu (nitpicky) about everything that comes to my child… But how much longer will she be this small? How much longer will she need me? How much longer will she want to cuddle up to me when she’s tired? And how much time will I really have with her? Again, irrational, selfish, frustrating but it’s a phase, and I’m working on it and it’ll get better. Also, first time mom???

My biggest prayer while I was pregnant was that Eden would be a light to everyone around her, that she’d bring God’s love and joy to those around her. And honestly, He answered that prayer because her personality and her face makes anyone’s heart melt. I see myself as the biggest hinderance to God’s working through Eden. It’s still a prayer of mine despite my actions, and I know God will work through her and use her, use me, use us as a family slowly but surely. 

So here’s to 8 months of motherhood and hopefully a long continued journey of it. Motherhood continually reminds me of how imperfect I am and how much I need God and His wisdom and guidance. And motherhood has added another aspect to who I am and shaken up my world a bit – so here’s to taking steps to get back to who I am that’s grounded in Him who’s always constant.